Sometimes, there really are no friends to count on.

There's this need to vent, to release all the pain there is. But it's hard when you don't have good friends to vent to. When it feels like all your friends have deserted you and are never really interested anyway.

How do people manage to find such great cliques, with whom they can talk about anything with, share all experiences with and just share their lives with? Without judgement, without hurtful words, without any unjust feelings. How do people who are so interesting and smart find good friends in others who may not be so? I admire people like this, who can accept others as they are, who can see their strong traits beneath all the surface flaws. I wish I could be more accepting of my friends, wish I didn't keep finding fault in them, when I myself am so far from perfection.

I ask myself all the time, why I do not have a close clique of friends whom I can see every weekend, whom I can club with, whom I can just hang out with and vent to as and when life hits its low points? Just as in the ideal F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I wish I had a clique like that, who would carry me through life, who will make me laugh, who each has their own familiar quirks which I can always rely on.

I guess I have to accept that life isn't as ideal as television portrays. And I guess the answer to myself is to just start accepting people as they are, instead of harbouring hate in my heart over characteristics of others whom I can never change. There's always something to learn from other people I meet. Already at work I've met a few guys whom I feel I can learn a thing or two from. They're funny and interesting, but they don't judge others who are not. That's fantastic, really.

Came so close to calling the Befrienders hotline, but decided to volunteer instead. Gosh, doesn't it scare you that there are depressed people like myself volunteering to help suicidal folks?!

Oh well, let's see how it goes.

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

It's always at times like these that I suddenly want to write. To pour out my heart. It's also mainly at hours like these that I feel most depressed.

Sing happy songs, talk happy talk and you'll be happy, too.

You know what's the main component of unhappiness? Too much alone-time. Too many thoughts whirring in your head all at once. Too much rumination.

So get going, stop thinking. Start doing, start living.

Life's decisions are hard to make, life's blows and disappointments are hard to take. Especially for those who tend to replay incidents and analyze their lives again and again.

So what's the solution? Can anyone tell me? I know it in my head, yet I can't seem to put it in practice. My work decisions boggle me, they leave me restless and I sacrifice my sleep to think about it in order to reach an epiphany. The sad part is that epiphanies are hard to come by.

Yet I know, happiness is optional, count your blessings, crowd your mind to avoid worry... but how hard is that to practise if you're not pre-dispositioned that way?

I'm Floating

Wow this is weird. I just decided to take a look at the blog that I started but did not have the stamina or interest to continue, and it's still here, just floating in cyberspace. More likely than not, no one's ever gonna read it for real.

How cool is that? I can vent all I want, but no one will ever know. Yet I have it published to millions in the audience. An audience who would never be aware because I won't give anyone the site address. Anyone who knows me, that is. Actually, to anyone at all.

Well, thought I wanted to start a blog that is aimed at helping others like myself. People who are depressed, lack confidence or just struggling with life. I'll do it another day. Right now, it's 2:03 AM on a Thursday night and I am exhausted. Well, then again, of course I am not going to work tomorrow.

Work sucks. Not work in general, but my work sucks. I want to be a professional. I feel my intellectual capabilities are unmatched by my work requirements. I want to be a professional! I received a scholarship from school, was in the top 15% honour society in uni, am a member of MENSA. Yet what do I do for a living? Collect money. Gives me heartburn just thinking about it.

Alright, I will, WILL write more and do some good for this blog. Instead of just complaining I will write some good pieces which will hopefully inspire others. Because I know I have it somewhere in the recesses of my brain. But I don't want to be fake like the very many I know of. A blog is not supposed to transform your identity for the mass's approval, nor to elevate your ego. It should be what it was meant to be. A way to express your thoughts to the world, unpretentiously (is there such a word? I'm too tired to care) and truthfully. No matter what, truth always wins. Karma exists, it is the law of life.

I love to laugh. That's rather out of the blue, but I do. I LOVE to laugh. I love wit. I love bravery. I love the fearless zest for adventure some people just seem to be born with. People I never seem to come in contact with either because of the nature of my surroundings, or my very own personality.

Either ways, I'm too tired to think further. Will write more tomorrow.

Good night, unseen world. Good night to no one.

We're All Human Beings After All

So here is where I ran to. I tried blogging once on Friendster and suddenly got freaked out about people reading it. I know, it's like, "Why do you post anything up if you don't want people to read it?!" The answer is simply 'cos I'm not too bright. Nah, it's more that this is something private, yet something you want to share with people who can understand, with people who care. I'm not here for your entertainment!

We’re all human beings after all. Isn’t that true? We all feel the same fear, insecurities, sorrow, pride, injustice, joy. Why is it then that I am so afraid to have to even experience the negative side of life? Does anyone else feel it less than me? Probably, because they don’t let themselves ruminate and steep in it. I feel it more, I will argue. Yet I know I only feel it more because I allow myself to. ‘Cos I make myself to.

If you’re here hoping for a good read, you’re in the wrong place. This is a place for me to sort through my thoughts that run with a frenzy through this overworked brain of mine. Yea, 3% IS overworking.

I've got a difficult decision to make. To a 3rd party observer, it may not seem difficult. But for me, it is. It's not only the decision that's hard to make, it's following through and sticking to your guns all the way. I don't have the determination. I always give up before I'm through.

Sometimes I wonder what there is to live for. I mean, sure there’s seafood. What else? Love? Friends? I live for laughter, I live for love and I live for beauty. Why is that all I live for escape me? Why do I find it so hard to love someone? And why is it that when I DO find someone to love, it is unrequited?

Complain, complain, complain. Ok, enough! Gonna get off my sorry ass and….... walk around the office.

Boring. If there’s one thing I hate more than life, it’s work. Ha ha very funny.